It is now a vague memory of how it all started. We may have occasionally passed by each other in this small town but never really noticed. After two years, I’ve seen him again.
Jade was tired from the trip last night which lasted for almost 10 hours. She wasn’t expecting that as she goes back to their province to visit her dead grandmother, the close chapter of her life will be opened again. As she reads the letter repeatedly, she decided to open her dairy and read to the time when they met.
May 9, 2006. Our relatives in the mother’s side, being active in the church, had encouraged us to help out in the planning for the feeding program while we were still on vacation. Without hesitation, I agreed. It was Kylie, my younger sister, who was somehow dragged into this. However, I didn’t really care. This was a new experience and I know that after we’re through with this, she’ll appreciate me dragging her into this activity.
I was walking with Kylie when we passed by two boys. One was Von, a childhood friend whom I often play with when we were younger. He and Kylie didn’t go along well so most of the time she prefers to stay at home while I play with him. The other one is unfamiliar.
“Whoah. Serendipity? Seventeen is the lucky number, dude,” I heard Von say.
“Quit it, I don’t want her getting the wrong idea. Well, I think she’s hot,” the other guy replied.
We were walking at opposite directions and I looked back after we passed them. I saw the other guy looked back too.
“Not only does she have a nice legs, she also has a pretty face,” he said while still looking at me.
I raised my eye brow and decided not to look back anymore.
“Too bad she seems to be hot-headed. I would’ve loved to go out with her.”
What a brat! I would never go out with you. D*mn you.
That was the first time I met him. That night, being so pissed off, I asked my cousin, Azalea about him. Azalea was on the same year as I am in school but by age, she is younger.
“His name is Kevin. He moved here last year when his mom and dad separated. Because he neither wants to stay with his mother’s new family nor his workaholic father, he decided to move here with his grandparents. He’s actually really nice, funny and he plays mean guitar.”
“Nice? Azalea, are you kidding me? I mean he was such a brat. A pervert! What kind of guy says you’re hot and you got nice legs and pretty face and not to mention say that he would’ve love to go out with you only if you were not so hot-headed. Gosh. I am so enraged!”
“Yeah, I see that. However he could’ve meant that as a compliment. I mean we’re in the 21st century, you don’t need to be so demure and conservative.”
Talk about being conservative. Aren’t we supposed to be like that? After all, our family is close to God and it’s not as if there’s something wrong with being conservative. As a matter of fact, Azalea is a reader in the church, two of our uncles are priests and one of our cousins is a nun. All of us were active in the church. See what I mean?
“Whatever, I don’t like him.”
“Wait a minute Jade, how do you even know it’s you whom they’re talking about?”
“Well, Von mentioned something about seventeen being the number of the day and serendipity whatsoever. I was wearing a blouse with the number seventeen and that pervert Kevin was wearing a jersey with the number seventeen too. Besides, Kylie and I were the only ones there that time. They couldn’t have been talking about anybody else.”
“Okay, first, you act so conservatively there but it was partly your fault because you wore a mini skirt. Second, just because you and Kylie were the only girls there, doesn’t mean Kevin and Von’s discussion about girls will be limited to you, too. Third, why does Kevin’s comment bother you so much when you came from the city? Surely, there, people are more liberated and they could’ve said you’re hot and it wouldn’t matter to you.”
Oh okay. Point taken. Well, why am I bothered? Yeah, why do I even care about what he has to say?
May 14, 2006. We went to the church for the Sunday mass. I was with my grandmother. My grandfather is a lay minister and then Azalea was the commentator for today so it was just the two of us. I was surprised when the priest entered. Kevin was a sacristan! Von was with him too.
Well, for Von, it wasn’t really surprising because I knew he was a sacristan. But that pervert! Unexpected and unacceptable!
After the mass, Lolo (grandfather) called me and introduced me to the youth members of the church.
“Okay, youth ministers, I want you to meet my granddaughter, Jade. She’s currently in her junior year in an all-girls school in Manila. She volunteered to join the feeding programs that we will be doing so I hope you can get along well with her.”
I smiled and the Lolo left us already. Everyone seem to be nice, the members introduced themselves one by one and Azalea answered some of the questions asked to me whenever she thinks I feel uncomfortable. I’m really thankful for that because although some of the youth were familiar to me, I prefer that they do not meddle with my life so much.
Everything was fine until I saw him coming in our direction until finally he stood in front of me. Brat.
“By the way Jade,” one of the members said, “he’s currently the head of the youth ministry, Kevin.”
“Hey, my name’s Kevin,” he smirked and extended his hand.
I wasn’t planning on taking it but since the members seem to be waiting, I shook his hand and said nothing more than my name. After we shook hands, I quickly removed my hands.
Somebody suddenly blurted out a question out of the blue.
“So Jade, how many boyfriends have you had?”
Did I just hear what I heard? Back off b*tch, I don’t discuss my private life in public… well at least that’s what my bad side was screaming, but my good side was pleading myself to control my temper and be nice. Which would’ve I chosen? Of course my good side!
“Honestly speaking none. Nobody reaches my standards,” I said confidently. Nice line Jade!
“Well I bet you’ll meet someone who would knock you off your feet soon,” Kevin suddenly said.
“And what is your basis for that conclusion?” I asked. Yes, I am a bit annoyed already.
“Chill. It’s nothing. It’s just a wild guess,” he responded sarcastically.
I opened my mouth to protest but Azalea, sensing my temper decided to cut it off.
“Well, so much for the introductions. Let’s call it a days and be back tomorrow for the meeting, okay? Jade and I will go ahead now. Ciao!”
Azalea and I walked out of the church and I wonder, how can my cousin pull it off like that?
Sheesh, at least I should be thankful. Or else I’d be so angry and explode like a volcano and there’d be nothing left in this province but ashes.
I mean it.
Fine, it’s an exaggeration.
But still, I am irritated.
May 15, 2006. Today was the meeting of the youth ministry. I brought Kylie with me and Azalea was there as well. We started fifteen minutes late. I was hoping it was because Kevin was not punctual so that I will have a reason to insult him. Being the head, if the leader is not there, meeting neither starts nor adjourns. Unfortunately, it was the priest who was late so, so much for my evil plan.
May 18, 2006. It was the start of the preparation, canvassing, marketing, and other stuffs. I was assigned to do the marketing with Von, Azalea, and another member named Henry. However, it was Kevin who joined us.
“Where’s Henry?” Azalea asked.
“He’s sick so I’ll take his place. Are we ready?” Kevin said. Whoah. He sounds so serious today.
“Well, we need to split into two. One will buy the ingredients for the food and the other will buy toys and loots for the kids,” Von explained.
“Azalea and I will go together. You two go with each other,” I suggested.
“No, girls are the ones who know the budget and have good buying skills. Moreover, you can’t carry all the things by yourselves. We’ll divide into boy-girl,” Kevin decided.
Okay, he has his point. I won’t talk.
“I’ll go with Azalea,” Von quickly added.
“Okay then, I’ll go with you, Jade,” the brat reacted.
This time I will talk. They decided on their own without me? Is this a joke?
“No complaints now, Jade. I know you don’t like me but bear with me.”
Why is Kevin so weird? What’s gotten into him?
Azalea gave me the budget and we were asked to buy the toys.
We rode an ordinary bus to go to the town’s square. I sat by the window and he, beside me, near the aisle. On the way to the “tiangge” (Yes, we’re going to a “tiangge” because there aren’t many malls in a province. The only place to go is the town’s square where stalls are fixed and thus called, “tiangge”) Kevin was quiet. I didn’t really like it. It gives me the creeps when he’s like that. I handed him the other earphone of my cell phone (it has an MP3 player) but he declined so I put it in my ears instead.
After a couple of minutes I sighed and kept my cell phone. I didn’t notice that I sighed so heavily that Kevin turned to me and then looked away again.
“Why are you so quiet? Do you have any problems?” I asked. This time it’s not for sarcasm or out of boredom. I really am sincere.
“Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I have a problem. You don’t have to pretend to be so nice. It’s just the two of us,” he replied. He said it so plainly that it hurts me. I admit that I have my bad side but he doesn’t need to be so bitter about it. It’s like saying that I only pretend to be nice in front of others but the truth is that I’m a freaking devil from hell. Gosh Kevin, you do know how to bring out my gruesome side!
“Just because I often show displeasure towards your existence doesn’t mean I am not sincere when I’m asking whatever is bothering you,” I snapped back. It suits you well, kiddo!
We continued on the trip silently, not regarding each other’s presence for around ten to fifteen minutes more. When we were about to reach our destination, it was Kevin who broke the silence.
He tapped my shoulder and said, “We’re almost there. Fix yourself.”
“Why am I the one who’s supposed to fix myself? Clearly, you’re the one who needs it,” I replied not looking at him.
Astonishingly he repeated it to himself!
“Okay Kevin, we’re almost there. Fix yourself or else Jade will claw you and eat you alive!” he whispered comically and only loud enough for both of us to hear. I laughed at him and then the bus pulled up.
To my surprise, he took my hand and rose up from his seat. “Let’s go, so many things to do, so little time.”
I gazed up at him and stood up as well. Nobody has ever done this to me? Will he be the one who will hold me forever?
Wait a minute. Where did that idea come from? As if popping a bubble balloon, I popped that thought from my mind. Vanish and relinquish, that’s what should happen.
“Hey Jade, we need to go. Why aren’t you moving?” Kevin said.
I was taken out of my thoughts when he spoke. I quickly came up with something witty to say, “There’s a fee for holding my hands you know? So if you don’t have enough money to pay me, better release my hand.” Whew, saved by a witty line. How would you respond to that?
He released my hand and dully reacted, “Whatever silly. Let’s go.”
We went down from the bus and we hurriedly went to stalls selling the toys and the loots. We were early so there were still just a few people.
I first decided to by candies and small goodies for the loot bags. I noticed Kevin slowly changing his mood from bad to good.
“You’re pretty good convincing the sellers to give you a low price for the stuffs you buy,” he complimented.
“Well, it takes someone charming to do that,” I joked to which he responded with a smile.
There were a lot of people buying after an hour or so. I was being left behind already because of the narrow spaces to walk in and the many people passing by. I guess this is the reason why Kevin took my hand again.
“Hey, I told you there’s a fee for holding my hand. Do you have money?”
“No matter how high the price, I’ll pay. I can’t afford to lose you.”
My eyes wanted to bulge out for disbelief. This brat is so sick, or else he wouldn’t act like this. It doesn’t matter I let him hold my hand anyway. I didn’t want to get lost either. However, I won’t deny, I am flattered.
It was almost noon when we finished buying everything we needed to buy. I was hungry already so I told Kevin I wanted to eat.
“There are no expensive restaurants here, miss. You might not like our food.”
“Don’t beat around the bush, mister. Being from the city doesn’t mean you become a picky.”
“Hoho, that was a mean rhyme, missy!” Kevin said laughing.
Argh. Will this be a battle of who will outwit who? Well, I don’t have time for that because for one, I am devastatingly starving. Fine, it’s another exaggeration. Whatever.
That’s when I saw a barbecue stand.
“Wee, outwit yourself there. I’m going to eat!” I told Kevin.
“Where will you eat?” he asked, completely puzzled.
“You don’t care. I’ll eat anywhere I please”
I walked towards the barbecue stand and bought barbecue and “isaw”. That’s when Kevin followed.
“It looks like our princess knows the life of the oppressed,” he teased.
“Excuse me if you’re hungry, it’s my treat. Besides, street food isn’t only for the oppressed, dummy,” I answered back swallowing the pork fat in the barbecue. I ate the food I bought not sensing that Kevin was gone.
Where did that guy go?
I shrugged it off and stayed where I was and a few minutes later, Kevin was back. He was holding two cups of “halo-halo.”
He gave me one and we ate it while walking. We waited for a bus and rode back home. By two o’clock, we were back and we decided to head to the church first so that we could drop everything we bought.
“I’ll take the toys to the storage room while you stay here in the cottage first and rest,” Kevin offered.
I agreed and sat down on the cottage. The cottage was a native Nipa hut near the storage room at the back of the church. I stretched my feet on the long seat attached to the wall of the cottage and lie down. Little by little, I find myself drifting to sleep and I let myself be. I was tired, after all.
I woke up with Azalea beside me. However, I was in a different room.
“You’ve been asleep for more than an hour. You’re probably tired. Kevin said he saw you asleep in the cottage after he came from the storage room so he brought you here in the room for the nuns.”
“That’s surprising. He wasn’t so nice while we were together a while ago.”
“Really. Well he was talking with Von a while ago and he seems to have enjoyed the day with you. Moreover, knowing your attitude, if you didn’t enjoy a person’s company, you’ll find an excuse to go home early.”
“It’s for the church so I prefer not to let my personal issues interfere with my service to God,” I lied. I said a big fat lie. I even used God as an excuse! Oh, I am so sorry Father.
“If you say so,” Azalea said, clearly unconvinced.
May 24, 2006. This will be the last day of the preparation for the feeding program two days from now. I am utterly excited for it. We’ve been preparing for the event and now it’s near.
“Jade, why don’t you go home already? Your mom will call anytime soon so you better get going,” Von reminded me.
He’s right. I mentioned earlier that I need to go before 7P.M. because my mom’s going to call tonight. It is quarter to seven and we were still packing some of the essentials for tomorrow.
“Azalea, will you go home with me?” I asked hopefully. Our house was just walking distance from the church but it’s dark already and the place isn’t well-illuminated so it’s a bit scary to go home by myself.
“I still need to take something to the socio-civic committee. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to do that.”
“I’ll walk you home, I’m almost done anyway,” someone suddenly volunteered.
When I turned around, it was Kevin who spoke. I agreed and we walked under the dark sky with only the light of the crescent-shaped moon to guide us in our path.
“How come you never talk about either your love life or your family?” Kevin questioned.
“Primarily because there’s nothing to share,” I countered quietly. These were subjects I don’t really want to be touched. It’s personal and it’s painful. “I never wanted to enter a relationship out of fear that what happened to my own family will happen to me as well. Nobody wants anything to shatter into pieces.”
I guess he sensed my uneasiness or maybe he didn’t understand what I said. Either way, I was thankful that he didn’t question any further.
When we reach home, I thanked him for walking me home and for told him I enjoyed his company.
“It’s nothing, Jade. And by the way, about what you said a while ago, I think nothing happens to a person twice if he wouldn’t let it happen. The bad news, there’s no glue for a broken heart.”
“Are there any good news?” I asked, surely I am amused.
“The good news? Well, let’s just say there might not be any glue but there is a person who would always mend another one’s broken heart,” he said smiling.
I bade him goodnight and he went off.
You never fail to surprise me, kiddo. I thought happily.
May 23, 2006. This was the day before the feeding program. Too bad I wouldn’t have the chance to spend more time with the youth ministry. Last night, my mom called me to say Kylie and I need to go home tomorrow. There had been trouble at home. It seems like she and dad had a fight again and this time, they may be separating for good. However, I didn’t open it to Azalea. The only ones who knew the issue were my grandmother and grandfather.
I went to the church like there was nothing going on. It was the final meeting of the youth ministry together with the other volunteers. That afternoon, after the meeting, the youth ministry had a gathering in Von’s house were they prepared Karaoke and finger foods. It was a small party.
“Hey Jade, let’s go. It will be fun!” Azalea said excitedly.
“No thanks. I’ll pass for now. I’m not really in the mood. I think I’ll call it a day.”
“How about you Kevin?” she asked.
“I’ll pass too. I have some errands to do at home. Let’s go home together, Jade.”
I simply nodded and we went ahead. At first we were teasing each other and I was quite enjoying it.
“Ha. Don’t try to outsmart me in teasing. Boys who try to do that ends up falling on love with me,” I joked.
“Really? Is that true?” he asked.
“Actually, yeah. But I wouldn’t expect you to be one of them,” I confessed.
“Well you better change that idea. Because I already think I am.”
“You are what? Is that a joke. Fine, I’ll laugh. Ha-ha-ha. Is that okay with you?” I said sarcastically.
“I mean it Jade. I know it’s too fast but I really would like to know you more and probably court you if you’ll allow me.”
I just laughed and told him, “you really are funny, you know?”
I pretended that I believed he was joking but I knew he wasn’t kidding. I guess this time, I’ve ran out of witty and sharp lines to throw to him.
May 25, 2006. I didn’t attend the feeding program. I stayed in our grandparent’s house and fixed both Kylie and my things. We’ll be going this afternoon. This morning, I decided to write Kevin a letter. I didn’t want to get his hopes up so once and for all, after the feeding program, I will talk to him.
Kevin,
I don’t know the words to use. I’ve been so selfish. I didn’t even recognize that I have hurt you and your feelings that are so true. I am not yet ready to be in a relationship and you deserve someone better. Nevertheless, I wish you’re here with me. Can we talk alone this time and make the things be clarified? I’m just too worried that we’ll leave each other with the saddest moment that I know we will regret. So please forgive me, please. I’m sorry that I have hurt you. I just do not know what to do.
Meet me at the Church at 3 P.M later.
–Jade
I waited for Kevin until 5P.M but he didn’t come. He probably knows I’ll reject him. What he doesn’t know is how much it hurts for me to do that. One thing that will not change is the fact that I needed to go. If only he came, he might have understood why I chose to reject him even though honestly, I like him already.
Upon finishing reading her diary, Jade wonders what happened to Kevin in the two years that they weren’t able to see each other.
I heard a knock on my door and opened it.
“Hey, I knew you were still awake,” Azalea told me.
“I couldn’t sleep after what happened this morning,” I confessed.
Our grandmother died and today was the day she was buried. I came in last night. Kylie and mom were left in Manila. After Kylie and I went home two years ago, mom and dad really did separate. The first year was hard on our part. Dad had a new family while we were struggling. We juggled on the finances but we were able to manage.
Two days ago, we received the news that grandmother died. We all cried in despair because during the times when we felt alone, she was the one who strengthen us. She was the one who made us believe that even without a male head in our family, God will always be our father.
That morning, during the mass and the blessing of our grandmother’s grave, Kevin had been present.
“It was both surprising and confusing on my part,” I started to share. “I was able to accept it was nothing but teenage surge, whatever we had two years ago. However when I saw him again, I don’t know. I guess the feelings went back again and I feel like I need to do something with it.”
“Your head said it’s over, but your heart currently says, it’s now or never,” Azalea concluded.
“Probably. Yeah, I guess so. I don’t know. Everything is just so weird.”
“There’s going to be a party tomorrow for the youth ministry. I’m sure everyone would be glad to see you. They missed you when you suddenly disappeared two years ago. You owe us big time. You should also probably start there.”
“Start with what?” I asked, confused.
“Start explaining to Kevin and patch things up if it’s not yet too late,” she answered seriously. “Nevertheless, I wouldn’t give you any assurance. I mean, you’ve been gone for two years. That’s a long time and someone may have taken your place already.”
“I get what you mean. Thanks Azalea,” I responded with a smile.
It’s a smile that is only shown to be able to hide what I feel. Because deep inside, I am hoping that nobody had ever taken my place.
The next day, at exactly 5P.M, the party had started at the town’s plaza. When Azalea and Jade arrived, the party had already started. They have seen Von hosting the show.
“Now, let us listen to one of our youth minister’s song. According to him this song is dedicated to a girl he was supposed to meet before. I know he is popular to all, let’s give it up for Kevin as he sings his song entitled Please come back.”
Kevin took the stage with his guitar. He sat on a stool and began to strum the strings of his guitar. I felt a shiver on my back and I recalled our memories together as he sang.
I
I keep searching for your love
But why do you have to leave me
I’ve been so selfish
Didn’t even recognize
That I have hurt you
And your feelings that’s so true
I wish you’re here with me.. ohh
II
Can we talk alone this time
And make the things be clarified
I’m just too worried
That we’ll leave each other with
The saddest moment
That I know we will regret
So please forgive me, please
Chorus:
I’m sorry that I have hurt you
I just do not know what to do
Please come back now here with me
And hear my words you really need
Don’t worry I’ll take care of you
And never ever let you go
I promise that I’ll love you so
For you to know the really truth
III.
Can we start again this time
And change the things we need to change
It’s not even late
To show you what I feel
Just trust me and then
Everything will be alright
To make our love be strong
(CHORUS)
If you and me could still be together
Do you think we will last forever ..ohh…
After he finished his song, he went down from the stage and we went up to him. Azalea and I were walking towards him already when a girl hugged him.
“You were great out there Kevin, I’m so proud of you!” the girl said excitedly.
“No need to fuss over something simple like I did,” he answered.
When I saw the two of them, I felt a pang of jealousy. What if I never left him? Will I be able to do what she does to him? I need a closure. I so need a d*mn good reason for this sh*tty feeling that I have for him.
Azalea cleared her throat and that’s when Kevin noticed our presence. She introduced us to the girl whom he was with and that’s when the painful words struck me.
“By the way, this is Celine. She’s my girlfriend.”
I felt a bang on my chest as if being hit by a bullet. This was what I had been avoiding and it’s what I got. This feels so good. Not.
“Kevin, I think I’ll let you catch up with your friends here,” Celine announced.
She told us that she has some friends to meet and thus will be leaving us first. Celine seems nice. She’s also beautiful. She may be the perfect for Kevin.
After Celine left, Azalea told us that we may need privacy for our “chit-chat” so she left as well.
“I guess I can’t leave now, or else you’ve got no one to talk to. You might end up talking to your hand,” I said laughing.
“Well little lady from the city, that would be better than staying with you who always let me eat your sharp words,” he countered.
We talked for a bit more until we touched the painful subject.
“Why didn’t you go two years ago?” I asked in an almost silent voice.
“I know you would reject me. It was evident from your letter and I guess that time, I wasn’t prepared to accept it,” he answered back in almost whisper too.
“Can I have you back again?”
“No, this time, it’s different.”
“We had the best before, so why not now?”
“You left me hanging. That time I didn’t know what to do. My life was messed up. I was messed up.”
“Can’t we bring back the pieces?”
“Celine suffered a lot with me while you and I had the best times. I want to make her happy more than the way we used to be when we were together. I’m sorry I fell in love with her and fallen out of love with you.”
“There must still be feelings. I mean the song that you played. It’s not about you and Celine. It’s about you and me. It even contained some parts of my letter to you before. It means you still have the feelings for me.”
This time I was holding back the tears. I was like a child begging her mother not to leave her; or probably a dog asking for food. I was a beggar hoping that a kind heart would drop a penny on my tin can.
“I didn’t mean for you to think that way. I’ve written that a long time ago. I wanted to let go of the past and the only way Celine taught for that to happen is to sing that song to give up on everything we had.”
I can see the sincerity in his eyes. His heart was a window which was once opened for me. Now, it had opened for another; for Celine.
“I guess she deserves you and you deserve her. You were able to move on. I wish you happiness.”
I said that so that he wouldn’t pity me. I pretended it was okay but it was the worst thing in the world. I was fighting my tears as he talks. I wanted to disappear. I was broken. Why didn’t I see it before? I don’t know what to do.
I told him I wanted to rest early and left. It’s the last time you’ll ever see me Kevin.
I cried for some time. It was hard to accept that he didn’t love me anymore. I thought I was so stupid to have rejected him before yet I knew I had made the right decision. Until now the wound is not yet completely healed, it’s not that easy, but in time it will be. When that time comes, my heart will beat once again. For now, I will go on with my life and take opportunities that will open up for me. Having a partner is not my primary concern now. It will come at the right place and time and with the right person. That’s the way life goes for me.
Kevin’s POV
I’m sorry to hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I was there for you then, but you refused to accept me. You broke my heart in two and Celine brought it back for you. I have learned to live my life with her. I’m sorry. Things didn’t go the way it was before but it could’ve probably changed if you accepted me two years ago. I’m sorry we can’t go back to the past, but I hope our friendship would never last.
Sorry if we can’t go back
