“Deviant Love”

started: 5-21-2008

finished: 8-9-2008

 

A story of martyrdom
A tale of secrets
A girl desperate for existence in his life
A guy numb for emotions
Another guy patiently waiting
This is a Deviant Love

OMG naman oh. It hurts kaya. Hmph, bakit kasi eto pang si Aljay yung nagustuhan ko. Yes, Aljay Lim. He’s the basketball star of our batch. He’s also intelligent. Guess what his best subject is? It’s actually Math. Honestly speaking, ang halimaw nito eh! Pati final exams around 2-3 mistakes lang. Kumusta ka naman diyan di ba? Partida, yung mali niya dun din na niya sinagutan, kasi naman tinatamad daw siya. Ang hangin di ba? Ewan ko nga bakit nagustuhan ko siya eh.

Back to what hurts. Nasasaktan ako kasi feeling ko mahal niya pa rin ang best friend ko, si Jae. Well, si Jae, ang “Miss SG” namin. Currently taken na siya ng school heartthrob na si Lem. Ilang months na rin simula ng incident kung saan nalaman ni Aljay na si Lem ang mahal ni Jae. I think his mind knows it but his heart is not yet ready to accept it. I like Aljay pero di niya alam yun, at natatakot akong ipaalam kasi baka masaktan lang ako.

By the way, ako si Nikz. Nikki Saldivar. I’m a talker. Correction, I’m a talker, but never a nagger, gets? Hmm… I won’t say I’m intelligent pero medyo na rin. At least I’m an above average student in terms of grades.

“Nikki! No Day dreaming!”

“Ouch. Sorry po.”

Nagtawanan yung klase. Did I mention I’m a day dreamer too? Yeah, now you know.

Maya-maya may note nang pinasa sakin.

Naman Nikz! Halos bawat subject na tatawag yung attention mo ah. Focus girl! Si Aljay na naman yan noh!
-Jae

My best friend knows me too much.

*Riiing*

Hay salamat. Lunch na. Eto lang paborito ko sa school eh. Break time. Haha… Jae, Cloud and I sat with the usual spot sa canteen. Dun kami lagi umuupo, at alam yun ng buong campus. Para ngang may label na “reserved” dun eh, kasi simula first year, dun na kami nakaupo.

“Naman, girls… Di man lang ako mapansin ni crush oh. Kasi naman ‘siya’ pa rin yung gusto niya. Da hell”
I was actually referring to Miss SG here. And they know that then I say “crush”, it’s Aljay.

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s not my fault I’m more beautiful than you. Haha…”

Lokaret talaga tong Miss SG na to. Hmph, buti na lang friends tayo.

Maya-maya umupo si Arvhin at Dale sa table namin. Arvhin and Dale are our friends. This year lang namin sila naging ka-close.

Si Dale, uber chick boy at uber talino, pero uber tamad din. Haha… Si Arvhin, ang resident mathematician namin at star player sa badminton. Best friend siya ni crush. O diba? Magbest friend, pareho magaling sa Math at pareho star player.

Then, sumingit na rin ang isang loka.

“Girl, gusto mo ba talaga mapansin ni crush mo?”

“Of course naman noh!”

“Well, consider your wish granted, I have a plan!”

Ano kayang plano nitong loka?

“Ano naman yun Cloud?”

“You’ll see… basta maki-ride ka lang!”

Ano bang plano ang sinasabi ni Cloud? Naman tong gurlaloo na to. Pa-suspense pa… pero in fairness, na-excite naman talaga ako. Haha…

Recently, this campus had been lover’s lane already. Their favorite date? 18. Ewan sa kanila basta halos lahat ng mag-on dito 18 ang monthsary.

“18, 18, 18! Why does this school have so much couples? As if naman magtatagal. For sure 80% sa mga mag-on, wala pang 5 months break na..!”

I was talking with Cloud and Arvhin.

“Girl, ang bitter mo diyan palibhasa NBSB ka diyan.”

“No, I’m not. Ok, fine, NBSB ako pero anu naman?”

“Nikz, you sound defensive.”

“Pati ba naman ikaw Arvhin? Gaaa… No I’m not trying to be defensive, pero yun talaga yung totoo. Wanna bet?”

I wasn’t expecting na pati si Arvhin makikigatong na rin kasi most of the time he’s on my side. Among my friends, sa kanya talaga ako nag-o-open ng tungkol kay Aljay, kahit na alam kong best friend niya si crush. Di naman niya kasi ako nilalaglag.

“Hay naku Nikz, pero kung si Aljay siguro ayos lang maki-18 ka along with the lovers here.”

Yes. The answer is most definitely yes, but I didn’t want to say that because admitting it would be admitting defeat as well.

Several days after, hindi pa rin naisakatuparan ang plano ni Cloud. Eto lunch na, at eto na naman ang angal session ko kay Arvhin.

“Ano bang type ng best friend mo at bakit ganyan siya? I exist naman to a lot of people, but not to him?!”

“Are you asking physically o sa personality?”

“Both!”

“Physically, mahilig siya sa babaeng sexy. Gusto niya ng curves, di masyado sa face.”

“Ouch naman! Bakit may butt naman ako ah! Wala nga lang bust! May gesh… pwede bang sa mukha na lang siya tumingin? Asus, maganda naman ako eh.”

No I wasn’t kidding. Ganyan ako ka-open sa kanya. And I’m serious, a lot of people compliment me for my pretty face, yun nga lng I wasn’t granted the curves.

“Ahaha, Nikz… I wish you would feel that there are people na naaappreciate yung ganda mo. Hindi man si Aljay, but there will definitely be someone.”

“Okay, so sablay na ako sa physical. He’s a body-person. How about sa personality?”

“Well Aljay likes bubbly girls na nakarelate sa sports. Gusto niya may sense kausap. Uhmm, and yung humorous, to the extent na pwede siya makapag-share ng green jokes.”

“Bubbly. May sense kausap. Okay ako dun. Sports. Nope. Green jokes. Nope. 2 out of 4. Ai may gesh talaga oh!” Ayaw kami pagsamahin!”

“That’s not for you to decide. A person who loves sees something that others could not. Kung siya nga yung para sa’yo, makikita niya ang assets mo at tatanggapin niya yung flaws mo.”

“Ah basta. Lam mo Arvhin, hinding hindi ako magbabago para sa lalaki! Naniniwala ako sa sinabi mo. Dapat tanggapin niya ako. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t deserve me! Duh! Ni hindi ako magpaparetoke o magpapadagdag ng dibdib for him noh! Over my dead body!”

“Ahaha… That’s what I like about you Nikz, you make me laugh and you’re damn cute.”

I wish Aljay is as understanding as Arvhin.

I hope Aljay sees me as Arvhin does.

I hope Aljay will learn to appreciate me like Arvhin had.

Tawa lang kami ng tawa ni Arvhin sa canteen. Ganito lagi kami, lalo na pag si Aljay ang topic. Buti nga di siya nagsasawa makinig eh.

“Hay naku Arvhin Lardizabal… bakit hindi na lang ikaw ang nagustuhan ko?”

Bubbly me and probably too opinionated and too loud and too expressive, hindi ko naisip na sa mga salitang binitawan ko that time, malaking pagbabago ang darating.

Hindi ko pa masabi nung time na yun na malaking epekto pala sa tao pag nagbitiw nang mabibigat na salita that involves deep emotions.

Later on that day, it was announced that we’ll be having dissection for the following week. The list of animals allowed were written on the board.

Naka-grupo na kami for our Laboratory activities. That group will be permanent for the whole school year. Unfortunately, hindi ko ka-grupo si Aljay but it’s okay because ka-group ko naman si Cloud.

The following week, we had our dissection. Yung table naming, just across the table of Aljay’s group. Sa side naman namin, group nina Arvhin.

“Hala! Buhay pa! Uy ayusin ninyo!”

“Ngee Aljay, bakit ka nanginginig diyan? Ahaha… Takot ka? Tsaka buhay pa talaga yan, pinatulog lang natin.”

“Di noh… okay, medyo, nakakakaba eh bakit ba?!”

May gulay, I can’t believe Aljay is scared of frogs. That’s so funny and so cute at the same time.

“Wah, si Nikki oh, expert..!”

Natawa na lang ako sa comment ni Cloud eh. Expert daw. Nagtatapang-tapangan lang ako kasi ayoko malaman nila na di ako sanay sa internal organs, kahit pa ng animals… hoho… Effective ang pagkukunwari ng bruha.

I didn’t notice na while I was cutting the sleeping frog’s anus, all the way to its stomach, nakatingin si crush.

“Whoah, expert ka nga Nikz. Ikaw ata pinakamagaling maghandle ng dissection eh.”

“Di noh. Ikaw talaga, bolero! Haha…”

“Ang gaan kaya ng kamay mo. Siguro di man lang nararamdaman ni froggy na ginugunting at hinihiwa mo na siya.”

“Haha… Ikaw talaga. Mga pick-up lines mo ayusin mo ah. Di mo ako madadala diyan noh.”

Awoot nag-deny ang bruha pero sa totoo lang flattered ako sa compliment niya.. haha…

Nakangiti lang ako sa kanya tapos nag-dissect na ulit ako. I suddenly dropped my dissecting scissors and scalpel because…

Aljay held my hand…

“Aljay! Nikki! What’s wrong there?”

“Ahh, wala po ma’am. Natabig ko po yung kamay ni Nikki pagdaan ko.”

I’m so glad na nauna nang sumagot si Aljay because I was obviously in a state of shock. Then, Aljay went back to his group, taking a glance back at me and smiled.

Bawal kami pumunta sa ibang groups. No loitering during experiments. Hayzzz, pano kaya ako makakapunta sa kanya. Think. Think. Think. Aha! Naman, ano pa nga ba, edi magsulat!

Hey Yabang! What’s with the holding of my hand?
-Nikz

Teka, pano ko maaabot to.

“Uhmm, psst… psst…”

Lumingon si Aljay tapos hinagis ko yung paper na may note ko. Kaso pagkasalo niya,

“Nikki Saldivar! What is that throwing of paper all about?! Let me see that!”

Nakaii! Patay kang bata ka. For sure, babasahin niya yan sa klase .! *dug dug, dug dug, dug dug*

“Ma’am, I can explain. Gani–“

“No excuses Nikki. Well, what do we have here? Aha… Nikki and Aljay, does this class seem to be Math? Why are you passing a paper with your Math notes?”

Napatingin ako kay Aljay. Math? Bakit naging Math?

“Well class, the assigned people to clean today after the Lab experiment will be off duty today. The two of you will be cleaning now.”

Patay na talaga. At least di nabasa ni ma’am yung note ko. Mas nakakahiya pag nangyari yun.

“Kasi pahawak-hawak pa ng kamay. Tapos susulatan. Buti di ka nabuko.”

“Hay naku Cloud, laking pasalamat ko nga rin eh.”

After our Lab experiment, naglabasan na yung klase. Last period naming ang Science kaya eto, umuwi na yung iba, kami ni Aljay nandito pa rin.

I wasn’t talking to him because I was embarrassed, at the same time confused.

“Hey Nikz. Kumusta ka naman, ayaw mo akong kausapin diyan?”

“Eh kasi hinawakan mo yung kamay ko eh.”

Whaat..? Naku. That’s totally lame. Nadulas pa ako. He’ll definitely think I’m shallow, medyo totoo naman.

“Ahaha.. yun na ba yun? Dahil hinawakan ko yung kamay mo?”

“Oo, anong nakakatawa dun?”

“Wala lang. I mean most girls would rather be flattered than worried, especially when it’s me who touched their hand.”

“Well, I’m not one of them. Hindi ko basta basta pinapahawak yung kamay ko, kahit sayo pa.”

When I said those words, tumalikod ako sa kanya. Tapos naghugas ako ng dissecting kit habang iniinit niya yung dissecting pan.

“Sorry, okay. I didn’t mean to offend you Nikz. Well, sabi ko kasi di ba  ang gaan ng kamay mo. Ayaw mo maniwala and so I touched it. ”

Eh kumusta naman yung rason niya di ba? So babaw. Sa bagay ako rin naman mababaw.

“Oh siya siya, peace na nga tayo.”

“Yes!”

Lalapit na sana siya sakin, probably to hug me pero…

“Ep, ep, ep! No touch!”

“Ahaha… okay okay sorry.”

“Eh teka, pano naiba ung paper na nabasa ni ma’am?”

“Well, I let her read the notes na pinasa sakin ng seatmate ko. I exchanged it with the letter you gave me.”

“Oh… I see… expert ka na sa pagpapalusot.”

We both laughed at ayun na nga, bati na kami. Little did we know, nandun si Arvhin sa labas ng Lab, nakikinig sa halakhakan namin.

Arvhin’s POV

Iba talaga tong si Nikz. Nikki Saldivar. Akala ko noon hanggang friends lang tayo. Lalo na dahil gusto mo yung bestfriend ko. Alam ko yun. Akala ko rin tanggap ko na yun… pero mukhang di pa pala.

I listen patiently to every word you have to say about Aljay. I answer honestly to every question you have to ask about him. Suportado ko nga kayo eh. Hanga ako na kinaya mong magparaya noon dahil minahal ni Aljay ang bestfriend mong si Jaelyn. Pero ngayon, mukhang ako na ang nasa sitwasyon mo. Ako yung nagpaparaya para sa inyo ng kaibigan ko. Ako yung nagtatago ng nararamdaman ko. Hanggang kailan? Sh*t, hanggang kailan?

Nakikinig ako kanina sa labas ng Lab. I was waiting for you para sabay na tayo umuwi like we always do pero mukhang you found another company, someone you would prefer to be with, someone who is better than me. I wanted to feel happy for the both of you. Ang sakit sakin nun.

Ngayon, kakatawag mo lang. Kinuwento mo yung nagyari sa inyo ni Aljay sa Lab. Anong nangyari nung dissection… nung nabasa ni ma’am yung letter… nung naglilinis kayo. I sounded cheerful for you but it was merely an act. Sa totoo lang, sa loob ko, masyado nang masakit yung nangyari na nakita kong ang saya ninyo sa Lab, now I still need to listen to your story and how happy you were when you were together?

I will take this. Kaya ko pa. Magtitiis pa ako. Magpaparaya. But God knows up until when I’ll be able to do this. Sh*t naman. Kahit ilang beses ko sabihin na masakit, hindi pa rin matanggal yung nararamdaman ko.

Nikki. Aljay. Para sa inyo, magpipigil ako. Pero sana, wag dumating ang oras na lumabas yung totoong nararamdaman ko. At sana… Aljay… kahit kaibigan kita… kapag pinaglaruan mo si Nikz, wala nang usapan. Lalo na pag nalaman kong, rebound mo lang siya.

Nikki’s POV

Hay… Ang saya talaga ng araw. Wee… para akong nasa clouds, lumulutang-lutang na parang angel… ahaha, ang chaka naman! Lumulutang ba ang angels? Ano yun multo? My gesh, nalolokerz na naman ako.

I just finished talking with Arvhin. Ang saya-saya ko talaga habang kinkuwento ko sa kanya yung nangyari. Pero something tells me that he wasn’t okay. Something tells me that he was just pretending to be fine. Siguro masama yung pakiramdam… pero hindi eh… iba.

Don’t tell me he’s falling for me..?

Arvhin Lardizabal? Falling for me? No. No. No. Impossible. Nababaliw lang ako kaya naisip ko yun. That cannot be possibly it. Hai naku Nikki, naka-high ka na naman.

—-

–RECOLLECTION ON THURSDAY!–

Yan ang note sa board pagpasok ko sa room. Recollection. Wow, everybody loves this. *Sal Terrae will be here again in our school. Non – sectarian ang school namin but they manage to conduct such religious activities without disgracing our fellow schoolmates na hindi Christians (there are Muslim students kasi samin, and Hindu, as well as Buddhists). Every year, we look forward to Sal Terrae’s visit sa school. And dahil nga non – sectarian kami, sa school lang kami kasi unlike parochial and exclusive schools, wala kaming retreat house.

Naging talk of the town agad sa batch naming ang recollection. Pag-uwi ko sinabi ko agad kay Mommy na recollection namin sa Thursday. As usual, nataranta na naman kami sa damit. It’s not at all surprising kasi pag only child ka, lalo na’t babae, ganito talaga. Super tutok.

In the end, we agreed on a maroon strappy blouse with its terno na maroon skirt. Dahil bawal ang sleeveless, pinatungan na lang namin ng black blazer. My hair was long and so I braided it with a white ribbon. At to match it up, white, strappy heels. I’m not really a fan of heels kaso Mom insisted me to wear those kasi maliit ako. I remember my first recollection way back in elementary, nakipag-karera pa ako kay Cloud nang ng naka-heels ako. In fairness, panalo ako nun! (At take note, partida, naka-flats si Cloud nun haha) At nung first batch party naman namin, na-stuck pa yung heels ko sa grills sa floor. Basta maraming memories ang pagsusuot ng heels sakin. However, I didn’t anticipate the one which will the most memorable was this year.

When I entered our Assembly hall (malapit nang mag-time), all eyes were fixed on me, which was pretty normal. Kasi kapag ganitong occasion, super compare ng mga damit at siyempre, nire-rate pa nila yun ah. I don’t mind actually. Ano naman kung i-rate nila yung damit ko or yung looks ko ngayon? Inggit lang sila! Hahaha… Nagiimagine na naman ang bruha. Pero wait lang, hindi lang yun yung nangyari nung pagpasok ko ng room, hindi yung mata ng mga nakatingin yung importante dun eh, well nakakahiya pero I actually fell backward kasi may natapon na sanitizer gel sa floor. OMG, mauuna yung puwet ko!

“Aiii!”

Well, well, well, just my luck. May nakasalo sakin. When I looked back, it was Arvhin.

“Thanks Vhin. Sorry, mabigat ata ako.”

Wahahahaii… Catch me I’m falling for you! Ahaha… Tinotopak na naman ako. When I was able to regain my balance, that’s when Arvhin replied and I can’t help but notice, nagblush siya.

“Okay lang. Ang clumsy mo naman kasi. Mag-ingat ka ha. And anyway it’s no big deal, ang gaan mo lang naman eh. Pataba ka muna.”

“Magaan ako para sayo kasi Badminton player ka and so your arms are strong.”

We smiled at each other and went to our places. Nakita ni Aljay ang nangyari. I caught his eyes but he was the first to look away. Secretly I was wishing… I wished he was jealous.

~~~~~~~~~
NOTE: *Sal Terrae is non-fictional. Totoong may ganitong organization which holds recollections and retreats. (They hold a lot of schools’  recollections and retreats… including ours)

This year’s topic is of our recollection is about Relationships. Each facilitator from the group for Sal Terrae gave us different activities that had helped us open up and reach out to one another.

Nung break time nagtatawanan sina Aljay, Arvhin and Dale. Paglapit ko, hinila ako ni Dale.

“Ui Nikz. May gusto pala sayo si Aljay eh.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Alam mo ba kanina sabi niya ang gusto daw niyang mag-share sa klase, ikaw. Kasi ang sincere daw ng mga sinasabi mo tsaka gusto ka niya pang mas makilala.”

Arghhhhh! OMG! OMG! OMG! Wala akong masabi… what should I say?

“Ahaha, Sh*t Nikz, I know you would have that reaction. I knew it! Ang lakas talaga ng tama mo sa kanya!”

“Are you messing with me Dale because you better not be or you won’t be having any girls to surround you.”

“Hey, cool it Nikz! Ang hot mo naman. I’m honest okay. Eh kung niloloko lang kita sinabi ko na.”

“Dale, he thinks I’m sincere kaya gusto niya ako magshare. Yun lang yun.”

“He said you’re sincere and he wants to know more about you!”

“And so?”

“And so? Nikz and hina mo! He wants to know more about you… He’s interested in you!”

“Whaaaat?!”

“You’ve got to be joking Dale! Aljay is NOT interested with me!”

Wag mo akong lokohin ng ganyan, baka ma-carried away ako! No no no…

“You don’t want to believe? Fine! Go ahead… but one day you’ll realize that what I said were true.”

Tapos super walk out si Dale. Ano ba naman. I don’t want to believe it at first but I guess I’m believing it now.

When the break was over, we went to the fifth floor, sa auditorium. It was an open forum about girl and boy relationships. It is not necessary na magsalita, pwedeng makinig ka lang. However if you decide to open up, it is still your choice whether to mention names or not. I don’t really share on topics like this kaya tumahimik lang ako. Tapos nag-open na si Jae. Then si Lem. Then pati si Cloud. Hala! Parang kailangan talagang mag-open din ako kahit hindi compulsory to eh. Magtataas na ako ng kamay tapos biglang nagsalita si Aljay.

“I like her. I thought at first she was just a friend. I never noticed her because I liked somebody else. Pero nung nawala yung… nung nagkagusto sa iba yung kaibigan niya, napansin ko na siya. I was starting to like her although I didn’t want to admit it kasi ayokong masaktan siya. I wasn’t sure at first, I thought baka maging panakip-butas ko lang siya. I didn’t want that to happen because I know that she deserves the best. Akala mo lang sa una maarte siya because of the way she speaks and the way she dresses. Nevertheless, upon knowing more about her, I found out that she was more than just a Barbie doll in a plastic world. She is deep and caring. She is sincere and is ready to sacrifice for other’s sake.”

“Aww… I wish he was referring to me.”

I whispered to Dale.

“Dumb! He WAS referring to you.”

“Huh?”

Ok. My mistake. He was referring to me? Tama ba ‘to? Ewan. After our open forum, our facilitator, ate Nina Carmel ask us to stand. (However she prefers us to call her, Ate Ncarmz, cool noh?) She said, yakapin namin ang mga kaklase namin starting sa pinakahindi namin masyado kasundo o kaclose hanggang sa mga importante sa buhay namin yung huli. This was my chance to know whether Aljay likes me or not. Pag last ako, it means he likes me.

A background music was played. The lights or the room were dimmed. Not too dark, just enough for us to see faint images of our classmates. I think this is good kasi medyo nakakailang kung maliwanag.

About towards the middle of the song, nagyayakapan pa rin kami, inapproach ako ng classmates kong lalaki. Mga barkada ni Lem. Tapos nahiya siguro sila so instead of hug, nag-shake hands lang kami. Biglang pumasok si Aljay and said…

“Hey, it’s my turn now”

Whoah. I expected him to come as my last partner. Umalis yung classmates ko.

“Hmph. Gusto mo lang maka-chansing.”

“Sinong nagsabi?”

“Ako. Aminin mo.”

“Ahaha Well, that’s a good option too but I actually decided to tell you, I want to save the best for last.”

Aww… Ewan sa’yong loko ka. Then, he walked away. Patapos na yung song and as I slowly finished reaching all of my classmates, I waited for Aljay, but he never manage to fulfill his promise that he’ll be my last. My last was Arvhin.

Before our recollection ended, the Catholics had a special mass. Commentator namin si Cloud and I was assigned for the first reading. Si Ate Ncarmz pa rin ang  nag-assist samin. I can’t help but ask her before the mass starts,

“Ate, what can you say about an unfulfilled promise by a guy to a girl?”

“Well, that’s really disappointing. Pero hindi naman natin dapat i-judge yung tao just because of an unfulfilled promise. He may have his reasons whatever they were. I think what matters is ma-appreciate mo yung naibibigay niya sa’yo kaysa isipin mo yung mga pagkukulang niya sa’yo.”

I quite agree with her. San kaya natutunan ni ate yung ganun?

The recollection ended well and successful. Before we went home, Cloud, Jae and I took some pictures. Nung pauwi na kami, narinig ko si Arvhin with Lem, whispering in the school garden.

“Vhin, pano na yan. Na-gets na siguro ni Nikki na siya yun.”

“Ewan ko rin Lem. Kung ako lang, sana di na lang inamin ni Aljay. Pero sa bagay, tingin ko naman masaya si Nikki ngayon dahil alam na niya.”

Alam ko alin? Arvhin maling mali ka. Hindi ako masaya. Kasi despite of what Ate  Ncarmz told me, I am still disappointed of what your bestfriend did to me. I want to hold on to what Ate Ncarmz told me but it was just so hard.

—-

The next week, dito na naisakatuparan yung plano ni Madam Cloud. It was very unexpected. Nagulat na nga lang ako but I managed not to let my jaw drop.

“Hey, Vhin and Nikz congrats!”

We were going down for our lunch in the canteen. Ako, si Cloud, Jae, Dale, Arvhin at Aljay. Si Lem, nasa barkada niya. Jae doesn’t really want him to sacrifice his time with his barkada just to be with her kaya occasionally lang siya sumasama samin.

“Oh? Bakit naman Cloud?”

“Come one girl. It’s not like you have to hide it you know.”

“Huh?”

“Ahaha, playing dumb again.”

Ano ba tong si Cloud? Naka-drugs ba to?

“Everyone, congratulate ninyo si Arvhin at Nikz. They’re officially on! Right, Vhin?”

Nagulat ako kay Arvhin kasi parang ang kalmado niya sumagot. It’s like he knows this was going to happen. But then again, Arvhin was always calm and cool so this isn’t surprising at all.

“Yes. We’re officially on. One week na kami. Ayaw sana namin muna paalam pero dahil alam na ni Cloud, then there’s no point hiding it, di ba Nikz?”

He put his arms over my shoulder then winked at me.

“Uhuh. Yeah. Sorry guys.”

“So Nikz, kelan monthsary ninyo?”

Hala, nu sasabaihin namin ni Vhin?

“18”

Sabay pa kami. Eh bakit ba, eh makisabay na lang sa uso sa school. I mentioned dati na maka-18 nga sila di ba? Ayan, whew…

“I think this calls for a celebration, don’t you think so too Aljay?”

Hala, Cloud! Wag kang ganyan!

“N-no. It’s o-okay. No need for that. Gastos lang yan.”

“No. I think you deserve the best celebration we could give.”

OMG. This is the end of the world.

Arvhin’s POV

I just went with the flow. I just went with the flow. I just went with the flow.

D*mn. Bakit ako nagiguilty? Di ko naman plano to. How could I feel like I’m responsible for this?

–Two days ago–

*Buzz*
aq.c.ulap: yo arvhin!
smasher_lardizabal: ui cloud
aq.c.ulap: remember my plan?
smasher_lardizabal: what plan?
aq.c.ulap: memory gap nman 2 oh. ung plan pra mpncn ni aljay c nikz
smasher_lardizabal: oh. wat about dat?
aq.c.ulap: I want u 2 go wid d flow. go wid whatever I’m going 2 do
smasher_lardizabal: nu b balak m?
aq.c.ulap: bsta. mki-ride k lng.
smasher_lardizabal: ok. ok. cge n nga
aq.c.ulap: r u xur u wanna do ds?
smasher_lardizabal: kng mkk2long ke nikz, y not?
aq.c.ulap: o xa, xa… go n 2, wlang atrasan
smasher_lardizabal: I know wat I’m putting myself in2
aq.c.ulap: xbe m yan ah.

—-

I can’t blame Cloud for this because I promised her that I’ll go with this plan even if I wasn’t sure what it was. At kung tingin niya makakabuti ito para kay Nikz and Aljay, then go, I’ll help.

“Vhin?” Naku, ang dami kong iniisip. Napansin siguro ni Nikki.

“Yes Bhe?”

“Huh?” Simultaneous pa yung barkada. Yan lahat reaction nila. Maski ako nagulat sa sinabi ko eh. Bhe naman. San ko ba napulot yun?

“Bakit ganyan kayo? Di kayo sanay sa tawagan namin?”

Hay. Cover up. Cover up. Buti may naisip ako na sabihin. Nikz gave me the we-need-to-talk look. Nakita rin yun ni Cloud kaya siya na yung nauna.

“Sige na, our new lovers need their space. I guess we better give it to them.”

“Thanks guys.”

Nikki answered flatly tapos pumunta kami sa likod ng school gym. Bihirang nay tao dun kaya dun kami nag-usap.

“Bhe? 18? What was that all about?”

“Ito na yung plano ni Cloud. Di ba sabi mo dati gusto mong mapansin ni Aljay? This is what she was talking about.”

“And what good will this do to me?”

Ano nga ba? Nangangapa ako ng sagot pero di ko pwede ipakita kay Nikki yun. Kung ako si Aljay, anong reaction ko? Anong gagawin ko?

“In this way, he might be forced to tell you his feelings.”

“So pagseselosin natin siya?”

“I guess that’s Cloud’s plan.”

“Oh. Kaya ba natin?”

“Kakayanin natin kung makikiride ka.”

Nikki smiled at pagkatapos nagplano na kami. Sa lunch time na yun, kami lang yung magkasama. Gusto kong isipin na nagdedate kami. Parang totoong mag-on pero alam kong lolokohin ko lang yung sarili ko. Dahil alam kong, hindi to totoo. Parte lang to ng plano para makatulong sa taong mahal ko, at sa kaibigan ko.

“Okay. I think it’s settled!”

“Good job. Pag nagtanong sila mamaya, masasagot natin ng synchronized.”

With the lunch time kasi, plinano namin lahat. Nilagyan namin ng sagot lahat ng possible nilang tanong. Ilang months nanligaw. Kilala ba ng parents. First date. Mga ganong tanong. I think we are utmost prepared.

Kaya namin to ni Arvhin. Grabe talaga tong kaibigan ko. Lahat na ginagawa para makatulong sakin.

Paakyat na kami sa room namin nung sinabi ko sa kanya yung iniisip ko.

“Uy Arvhin.”

“Bhe?”

Nga pala. Baka may makarinig. Dapat ginagamit namin yung tawagan lagi para di kami mabuko.

“Bhe. Sorry. Uhmm, di kaya magkatotohanan to?”

“Not unless ma-in love ka talaga sakin. Di magkakatotohanan noh. You worry too much. Geh Nikz, Love you Bhe.”

“I love you too.”

Di ko maintindihan bakit biglang nag-I love you si Arvhin. When I suddenly look back that’s when I realize, Aljay was there behind us.

“Love you, bhe…”

Aljay mimicked.

“Loko ka talaga. Ginagaya mo pa si Vhin!”

“Pasensiya na ‘bhe’ ha. Wala kasi akong nasasabihan ng ‘I love you’ eh.”

Then he rolled his eyes. Natawa ako sa kanya. Halatang nagseselos na. ahaha… Ang lokong to, marunong rin pala magselos.

“Oi, Nikz, Bakit ka tumatawa diyan?”

“Wala, wala…”

Umalis na ako habang tumatawa pa rin.

Aljay’s POV

“Di magkakatotohanan noh. You worry too much. Geh Nikz, love you bhe.”

“I love you too.”

I happen to be at the back of these so-called ‘lovers’ when I heard this.

Di magkakatotohanan? Why does Nikz have to worry? Anong pinaguusapan nila?

I know that they are hiding something but I am not really sure what. Tapos nung kausap ko pa si Nikz, I guess I sound kind of defensive just because i am so d*mn pissed off. Nagseselos ako. Oo na. Pero bakit naman? Kilala ko si Arvhin. Alam niyang si Nikki yung tinutukoy ko nung nag-recollection kami kaya bakit naman siya pa yung niligawan niya. Worse, naging GF niya?

Naku naman. Ngayon kailangan pa magkunwari akong masaya para sa kanila kahit hindi naman talaga.

“Earth to Aljay! Nagpaplano tayo para kina Nikz at Vhin.”

“Sorry. iniisip ko yung exam sa Math mamaya.”

Big fat lie. F*ck. Nakakahalata na ata sina Cloud.

“Could you at least focus? After all, para sa best friend mo to”

“Okay.”

“Where was I? Oh yeah. Ayun. Dun na lang tayo sa bahay. Dale and I will be for designing the garden. Jae and Lem, food and drinks. So that leaves us with Aljay. Ikaw na lang magsundo sa kanila. okay na ba yun?”

Tae. Ako pa yung susundo sa lovers. May magagawa pa ba ako eh nag-agree na lahat sa naka-assign sa kanila..?

After dismissal time, inapproach ko si Arvhin.

“Vhin, kina Cloud tayo ngayon. Dun tayo magcecelebrate.”

“Oh. talaga. Sure thing. Pero pano si Nikz? Hihintayin ko na lang siya. May special test pa siyang tinetake eh.”

“Mauna ka na, ako nang bahala kay Nikz.”

“Sige. ingatan mo siya ha.”

“Oo naman.”

Nikki’z POV

*1 message received*
Sender: Vhin Lardizabal
:bhe, kna cloud tau “magcclebr8.” c aljay na maghahatid sau. ok lng? geh, datz ur chance.
nga pla, wag kang papahuli ah. bka mdulas k. geh, gud lak.:

Cool lang. Relax. Di ka mahuhuli ni Aljay. Impossible. Pinaghandaan niyo to ni Arvhin di ba?

Almost 6:00 pm na nung lumabas ako. I saw Aljay waiting for me.

Medyo kinilig ako na natatawa na kinakabahan. Ang gulo noh? Pero ganun talaga eh. Mahirap i-describe.

“Hey.”

“Hey, ako na pinaghintay ni Vhin.”

“Yeah, he texted me. Let’s go.”

Sumakay ako sa scooter ni Aljay. Wee, ang lamig naman tapos nakaangkas pa ako. Ahihi, kilig ang lola niyo oh. Super yakap. Naka-chansing pa… haha

“Aljay?”

He didn’t look back.

“Aljay…”

Still no.

“ALJAY!”

“What?”

“Hindi to yung daan papunta kina Cloud!”

“I know.”

“San mo ako dadalhin?”

“Isipin mo na lang kidnapper ako ngayon.”

“Whaaattt?!”

“Hoy Aljay! Sira ka ba? Kidnapper?! Ibaba mo ako!”

“Wag kang malikot!”

“Ibaba mo ako!”

“Shoot! Sige magpumiglas ka diyan para malaglag ka. Paagahin mo yung pagkamatay mo!”

Oopps. He has a point. Malalaglag ako kapag  naglikot ako dito. Darn. What can I do?

After a few minutes, tinigil ni Aljay yung motorcycle. He went down and removed his helmet.

“Ano? Diyan ka lang?”

“Tae ka! Bakit nandito tayo?”

“Eh kasi sabi ni Cloud may kulang na drinks kaya eto, pinapunta ako sa 7eleven.”

“Ngee…”

“Wait. Were you really expecting that I would harm or do anything to you?”

“Actually yeah.”

“So ganun ako ka-halay para sa’yo?”

“Uhmm… Hin—“

“Never mind. It’s okay.”

Tapos pumasok na siya ng 7eleven. Akala ko iiwan na niya ako. Bigla niyang binuksan yung door ng 7eleven.

“Hey Nikz. Come on. Pumasok ka na, mamaya anong mangyari sa’yo diyan sa labas eh.”

Nung nakapasok kami, kinuha niya lahat ng kailangan tapos bumili siya ng slurpee. Isang slurpee lang binili niya and isang siopao.

“Hoy, ang daya mo, sarili mo lang binilhan mo ng snacks. Ako wala.”

“Di naman akin to eh. Iyo to noh.”

Sabay bigay sakin ng pagkain.

“Eh pano ka?”

“Kumain na ako kanina. Hindi naman ako tulad ng iba diyan na nagpapalipas ng gutom dahil sa exam.”

Napatingin lang ako sa kanya then nag-thank you. After I ate, lumabas kami ng 7eleven. He gave me his jacket. Napansin niya siguro na nilalamig na ako kasi he suddenly put his jacket over my shoulders. Sinuot ko naman yun tapos I wore my helmet na rin.

It was a silent ride going to Cloud’s house. Pagdating namin dun, ayun celebrate kasi kami dahil kami na kunwari ni Arvhin and kung anu-anong kasinungalingan.

We manage to get a smooth start. Parang kami talaga. Ok naman sakin yun, still I can’t help but wish na sana…

Yung celebration na yun, para samin na lang ni Aljay.

Around 2 months na rin kaming nagpapanggap ni Arvhin and slowly, we became an item na rin sa campus. Sa 2 months na yun, medyo iwas na si Aljay sakin.

Nikz, hey girl, na-ospital daw si Aljay ah.
-Jaelyn

Yan ang bumulaga sa uamaga ko. Hay naku, late na akong pumasok at nakita ko na lang yang note ni Jae sa table ko. Gaaa… bakit naman ganito?! Ang sama naman!

—Last night—

*buzz*
smasher_lardizabal: hi bhe
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: eow vhin
smasher_lardizabal: msta nman araw m?
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: aus lng… mutik sumemplang s bike haha
smasher_lardizabal: magingat k nman. Bka kng anung mngyri sau
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: aww… tnx s concern
smasher_lardizabal: btw, mlpit n mag-18 ah
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: yeah…
smasher_lardizabal: nu plano m?
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: wla p nman
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: itz not lyk may sumthing s araw n un db?
smasher_lardizabal: T_T
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: oh gosh. sori, yeah, 18 i 4got
smasher_lardizabal: no itz ok
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: cneseryoso m n b ung plano n un? db knwari lng nman un? pra lng mgselos c a.
smasher_lardizabal: probably
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: probably what?
smasher_lardizabal: wla.
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: d nga?
smasher_lardizabal: wla nga
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: ai, geh, bkas xnhin m sakin un ah, nid 2 sign out na, mom’s calling me
smasher_lardizabal: bye
nikz.s.not.dt.kinda.grl: bye

—-

Mukhang sineseryoso na ni Arvhin yung pagpapaselos. Wag naman sana. I printed our ym conversation kagabi, just to let Cloud read it. Hindi nga ako masyado nakatulog dahil dito eh. Kainis. Tapos eto naman ngayon, pambungad ng araw ko, na-late na ako then malalaman ko na si Aljay nasa ospital. Ano pang mangyayari? Pakibato na lang sakin lahat ng mga ayokong mangyari ha! Bwiset.

“Nicole, Bola!”

*Boogsh* Binato nga ako.

“Ouch. Gawdd. Loko ka Dale”

“Tae, anong nangyayari sa’yo? Kasalanan ko bang di ka tumitingin? Eh gusto mo ata sumunod kay Aljay sa ospital eh!”

Ang sakit matamaan ng bola sa mukha. Gym Class na namin. It’s the last period of the day and so far, buong araw akong wala sa sarili. Sa Laboratory nga kanina, ipanghihilamos ko pa yung Chloroform sa mukha ko eh. Buti nakita nung isang member namin, napigilanm ako, Nung Math naman namin, hindi ko man lang ma-apply ang elementary algebra sa geometry. Kumusta naman ang buhay ko di ba?

Dale helped me up. Mapahiga ka ba naman dahil tinamaan ka sa mukha ng bola. Ayun, pumunta kami ng clinic para sa ice pack. Pagkapunta naming clinic, sakto nag-bell na. Buti naman, hindi na ako mahihirapan. Uwian na.

Umuwi muna ako sa bahay to prepare some stuff tapos pumnta na ako sa ospital kung saan naka-confine si Aljay. Ang usapan ng barkada dun na lang daw magkita-kita.

3rd floor. Room 87. Room 87.  Room 87. Eto na.

I knocked and then a woman came out. Kamukha siya ni Aljay kaya ang hula ko mama niya yun.

“Good afternoon po. Uhmm…”

“Ah pasok ka hija, Aljay, may bisita ka.”

Pumasok ako and when his mother asked me to sit down, tsaka lang ako umupo sa sofa malapit sa hinihigaan ni Aljay.

“Hey. Di pa ba dumarating yung iba?”

“Hindi pa. Una kang dumating.”

“Oh. Ganun ba. Anyway, eto oh.”

I handed him a plastic container. It’s weird for a guy pero mahilig siya sa home-made cookies. Buti na lang may natira pa sa mga na-bake ko last night. Nilagay ka lang yun sa plastic container tapos design ng unti sa packaging. (Buti na lang pinag-aralan namin ‘to sa Entrepreneurship class namin) I was expecting him to say thank you pero nagulat ako sa sinabi niya

“Nikz, is something bothering you?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Nagbebake ka lang pag sobrang Masaya ka o pag-depress ka. You obviously are not happy at mukhang di ka masyado naktulog. You can tell me kung may problema ka na di mo masbi sa barkada.”

Naman. Bakit alam niya ugali ko? Bakit sakto yung sinabi niya? Arghh… asar

“Ano ka ba. Trip ko lang mag-bake kagabi kasi hindi ako makatulog.”

I knew he wasn’t satisfied pero hindi na lang siya nag-react.

Lumabas muna yung mom ni Aljay, leaving the two of us there in the room. Nag-switch topic agad siya para mapasaya siguro ako at he manage to be successful. Kahit papaano, napagaan niya yung loob ko.

Alam kong malungkot si Nikz kahit hindi niya aminin. Halatang-halata naman eh. I know her too well. Tsaka nakalimutan niya ata na Psychologist ang ate ko kaya alam ko kung nagsisinungaling siya. Sa movement pa lang ng mata niya, nakita ko na di siya nagsasabi ng totoo nung binaggit niya na di lang siya makatulog kaya nag-bake siya.

However, it was also obvious na ayaw niya talagang mag-open up kaya hindi ko na siya pinilit. Nagkwentuhan na lang kaming dalawa at sana, sana napagaan ko yung loob niya.

Nakakatuwa na marinig ko siyang tumawa at makita ko siyang nakangiti.

“Salamat Aljay. Napasaya mo ako ngayon.”

“Wala yon. basta, lagi akong nandito para sa’yo. Tandaan mo yan.”

“Uhmm… Thanks.”

Teka, tama ba yung nakita ko? Nag-blush si Nikz? Ayos yun ah.

After a while, dumating na rin sina Lem, Cloud at Dale. Si Jae, hindi dumating dahil sa SG meeting at si Arvhin naman dahil sa Badminton practice.

Kwentuhan session lang tapos umuwi na rin sila.

When they left, I saw something on the sofa… Naiwan siguro… Sa pwesto ng inupuan ni Cloud.

Just when I was supposed to pick up the piece of paper, bumalik si Cloud sa room.

“Hey Aljay! Have you seen— Oh, that’s mine. Thanks!“

“Talaga? Buti nakita ko. Here.”

Binigay ko na yung paper and she left. I wonder what’s inside that paper. I’ll probably ask Cloud when I get out of this hell.

Arvhin’s POV

“Hala… Lagot na! Pano na?”

“Eh hindi pa naman natin sure eh.”

“Maski na. What if he finds out? We’re dead!”

“Relax. Don’t be paranoid.”

“How can I not be? Tatlo tayong mapapahamak dito.”

“You don’t have to be so negative. If ever he was able to read it, he should’ve reacted to me already.”

“Para kasing… betrayal. What we did to him. Parang pinaglaruan natin siya kapag nalaman niya.”

“So you’re giving up?”

“Do you think I should be?”

“Do YOU think you should be?

“I don’t know.”

That was our telephone conversation a while ago. Tumawag si Cloud dahil hindi niya sure kung nabasa ni Aljay yung paper containing my ym conversation with Nikz. Bakit kasi kailangan pa ni Nikz i-print un eh.

Anyway, after that, I received a call from Aljay. Sabi niya after 4 days, he’ll be out of “that hell.” Oo, sabi niya yung ospital daw, “hell.” Malay ko dun kung bakit. Siguro dahil bored na siya at walang magawa. Baka rin naman gusto na niya akong patayin dahil alam na niya yung tungkol samin ni Nikz. D*mn. Am I being paranoid or what?

Nikki’s POV

Anu ba namang klaseng buhay to. Lahat ng member ng fans club ni Aljay gusto magpasama sa ospital kung san siya naka-confine. Gosh. Eh pano naman ba makakapagpahinga yung tao kung andun halos kalahati ng high school department? I said no to them na lang. Sabi ko busy ako. Nalaman kasi nilang idadaan ko yung iba niyang gamit sa locker niya.

Kailangan na kasing tanggalin yung gamit sa lockers kasi magmi-mid year break na. At dahil si Jaelyn ang in charge sa class lockers namin, sakin niya binigay ang code ng locker ni Aljay para dalhin yung gamit sa kanya. Feeling ko nga nang-aasar lang yun eh, o baka naman may hidden agenda. Ewan. Bahala na.

It’s 2pm. Siguro mga 4p.m ko na lang idadaan yung gamit niya sa ospital.

*Tic Tac Tic Tac*

Aisht. I’m so tempted to look at his stuff.

No. Nikz, that’s personal. Don’t.

He wouldn’t find out, ok lang yan.

Eh pano kung malaman niya? Tigok ka.

Wala naming makakakita eh.

“Ai Naku!”

To look or not to look????

Oh my. Look? No. Look? Yes. Look. Yes na nga. Ahihi… wala namang makakaalam eh.

Browse. Browse. Browse. Parang wala lang ah. Wala namang Makita ditong interesting. I was about to give up when a booklet fell from the one of his notebooks. Ito yung booklet na ginamit naming nung recollection. Yung booklet namin. May mga questions, songs and reflections. Medyo personal to eh. Should I read it? Fine. Just a peak.

Dear Aljay,
If you love her, don’t let go of her. We are not sure when is the right time to say what you feel but if you really like her, you have nothing to lose. You are not afraid to say what you feel, you are afraid of how she will respond. However if you will not have the courage then you will never know what lies ahead for the two of you. Good luck with N.S.
May God give you the courage to do what He intends you to do.
Take Care always,
Ate Ncarmz

That’s the dedication of Ate Ncarmz to Aljay. N.S. N.S? Sino yun? Sino si N.S. Wait lang. Initials? N.S.  Teka, initials ko yun ah. Nikki Saldivar.

“Oh my gesh. Ako yun! Ahahay! Ako yun ‘dung! N.S!”

“Nikki, anak anu yan?””

“Nothing mom. Inaatake lang ng pagkabaliw.”

Wee.. ako yung gusto ni Aljay! Uhuh! Uhuh! My gash… Teka, eh panu ko siya haharapin mamaya? For sure magbublush ako. Uhmm… sus bahala na…

I prepared to go to the hospital. Super, nagsuot ako ng khaki mini skirt kasi I’m feeling extra feminine ngayon tapos light green turtle neck. I wore jacket na khaki rin para magterno na skirt ko. Medyo malamig na kasi ngayon eh.

Ayun super happy naman akong pumunta sa ospital. It’s as if I’m walking on the clouds. Asus, chorvaness talaga ng lola ninyo oh.

When I was going inside the hospital, nakasalubong ko yung mom ni Aljay.

“Good afternoon po tita.”

“Good afternoon hija, pasok ka na lang sa room ni Aljay, he’s awake naman eh.”

“Ah, ok sige po. Thank you po.”

“Sige, I’ll go ahead, balik na lang ako mamaya. Bye”

“Bye Tita.”

After that, diretso na sa room pero may narinig akong boses.

“Sorry. Sorry.”

“How can you do this to me?”

Ouch. Those voices, I ran as fast as I can, away from the hospital.

— Half an hour after Nikki ran away —

“Hijo, umalis na si Nikki?”

“What do you mean, Ma?”

“She went hear around half an hour ago. Hindi ka ba niya pinuntahan?”

“Hindi po.”

“Oh. She must have gone home. Baka nahiya sa bisita mo kanina.”

Bisita? Sh*t. Narinig niya ba kami kanina?”

Earlier that afternoon, Trish Natividad went to the hospital. Trish, was my ex. I dumped her. Why? It’s because I found out that she was cheating on me. Kaya bago niya pa ako iwanan, ako na yung nang-iwan sa kanya. She was a year older than me and was one of the most popular girls in the campus. Siya yung top dancer, to be specific. She heads the dance troupe and mabait naman siya, plus sweet but she can be kinda “queen bee” type.

It had been two months since we broke up and I didn’t expect her to be there in the hospital. Nung una light lang yung subjects na pinauusapan namin, then hanggang sa umabot na sa break up topic.

“Why did you breakup with me?”

“It’s because I don’t deserve you.”

“How can you say that to me? Bakit kailangan mong maging bitter?”

“I’m not bitter. It’s honesty.”

“Can we work things out?”

“No. I’m sorry Trish, I don’t think we will end up together anyway.”

“You like another person.”

“Kilala mo nga ako.”

“Yeah I do, Aljay. I certainly do.”

“Sorry. Sorry.”

“How can you do this to me?”

“Don’t put the blame on me. You’re the one who was cheating on me kaya iniwan kita.”

“I guess it’s my fault. I wish I hadn’t gave up on you. I wish I was honest to you. I wish I realized you’re worth while it was still ‘us.’ I’m sorry for what I did. Sorry. Nakakahiya, babae pa naman ako.”

“It’s okay. I know how you are.”

***

Alin sa pinag-usapan naming ni Trish yung narinig niya? Gadd*mn. I’m so foolish.

Nikki’s POV

Shonga shonga ka talaga Nikki. Nakakita ka lang ng initials, nagpadala ka na? Tae. Panakip butas lang pala ako ni Aljay kay Trish. I should’ve known better. Illusionada.

The next day, I drop his things by the hospital habng tulog pa siya. Pinaiwan ko na lang kay Tita. I didn’t bother leaving a note sa gamit niya. My explanation wouldn’t matter anyway.

After a week, bumalik na siya sa school. Nagkagulo lahat pero ako hindi. Actually nag-party pa nga kina Lem para sa kanya eh. However I didn’t show up.

Kapag magka-grupo kami sa class, I only talk to him if it’s regarding our requirements. Other than that, I don’t really care… or should I say I don’t really want to care.

I was walking at the library hall when someone held my hand. Pagkalingon ko, there he was. The person I was trying so hard to avoid, Aljay.

“Let go. I’m busy.”

“Busy or pretending to be busy? Lagi mo na lang akong iniiwasan.”

“Eh ano naman sayo kung iniiwasan kita? Hindi naman ako malaking kawalan sayo. ”

“Why are you so upset? Bakit ba iniiwasan mo ako?”

I can only look in his eyes as my own eyes fill with tears.

How? How can I say na nasktan ako nung narinig ko sila ni Trish? How can I say na akala ko gusto niya ako pero panakip-butas lang pala ako? Paano ko sasabihin lahat ng to ng hindi nagmumukhang umaasa? Paano ko sasabihin lahat ng to eh alam kong wala naman akong karapatang magalit at magselos?

“I said let go Aljay and just leave me alone! Why won’t you leave me alone?”

I couldn’t help it, umiiyak na ako. Sh*t I’m falling apart. After a while binitawan niya ako.

“Nikz… I’m sorry.”

I am not sure whether I didn’t want to answer or I didn’t have the strength to answer. However, I guess pareho yun yung rason kung bakit wala na lang akong masabi sa kanya. I just cried as he had let go of me. Next thing I knew, I was in the school clinic.

Arvhin’s POV

I’ve seen it all. Lahat ng nangyari kay Aljay at Nikki. Hindi ko alam kung papasok ba ako sa eksena o hindi. After all, it was between the two of them. Hindi ako pwedeng basta makialam kahit na honestly speaking, I think I am involved already.

It hurts to see Nikki crying. It hurts more to see that the person she likes was the one who hurt her. If only I can do something to make her feel better.

Alam kong nahihirapan siya and she was losing her senses. Until she stopped crying and lost consciousness.

Before she could fall, nasalo ko siya. I didn’t know how or why, instincts na lang siguro yun.

Alam kong nagulat si Aljay sa bigla kong pagpasok.

“Vhin…”

“Tama na Aljay.”

“I didn’t know I would make her cry.”

“Too bad, you already did.”

“But I didn’t mean to”

“Sabing tama na. Baka nakakalimot ka.. ako yung boyfriend niya.”

He was obviously shocked by what I said and I wanted to retrieve those words yet I know it’s better not to. With that, I carried Nikki to the clinic.

If I give up on you I give up on me
If we fight what’s true, will we ever be
Even God himself and the faith I knew
Shouldn’t hold me back, shouldn’t keep me from you

Tease me, by holding out your hand
Then leave me, or take me as i am
And live our lives, stigmatized

I can feel the blood rushing though my veins
When i hear your voice, driving me insane
Hour after hour day after day
Every lonely night that i sit and pray

That music hits the spot. Super sapul talaga. Teka. Stigmatized. Ganito nga ba kami? Kami nino? Ni Aljay o ni Arvhin? Gash. Hayzz. Nga pala, Bakit nasa clinic ako?

“Miss Saldivar. Gising ka na pala.”

“Bakit po nandito ako? Anong oras na?”

“It’s 3 in the afternoon. Nahimatay ka kanina. Mr. Lardizabal was the one who brought you here.”

Arvhin? Pano? The last thing I remember was talking to Aljay tapos umiiyak ako. Tapos… I guess yun na yun. Nahimatay nga ako.

The nurse advised me to go home kasi baka daw mabinat ako or anything. I did what she said. I went home. Not because I was scared na mabinat, but because I don’t exactly know how to face Aljay.
Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, soundtrip lang ako. Wala ako sa mood mag-aral. I just can’t focus on doing anything.

I open my eyes, only to see
Just how sad this world could be
That i often cry alone…oohhh

I look at the sky, longing to see
There’s a chance out there for me
For my heart to be set free…

My friends had say that it’s ok
When rainbow’s fade in clouds of gray
But in my heart i know someday
True happiness will come my way…

I never knew love till i found you
I’s magic in your smile
Never knew love till i saw you lookin’ in my eyes
And suddenly our sadness disappears
True love has fin’lly shown its smilin’ eyes on me…

I closed my eyes and felt the song. Then, there was the knock on my room’s door and it opened.

“Nikz.”

Aljay’s POV

“Nikki. Pinaakyat na ako ni Tita para daw makausap kita.”

No respond.

“Sabi niya ayaw mo daw lumabas ng kwarto eh.”

No respond.

“Sorry about what I did a while ago. I just wanted to –“

“Aljay… Let’s go out.”

“Ha?”

Before any of us could speak, lumabas kami ng kwarto niya.

“Ma, punta lang po kami kina Cloud.”

“O siya. Sige anak, wag kayo magpagabi.”

“Sige po Tita, una na po kami.”

“Ok hijo.”

Ano bang iniisip nito ni Nikz? Bakit kailangan naming lumabas?

“Nikki? Where are we going?”

“Shut up Aljay.”

Whoah. Sabi ko na nga ba eh. Sabi ko nga. I should’ve kept quiet.

Nikki’s POV

San ko ba dadalhin tong lalaking to? Bakit ko pa kasi naisipan lumabas. Oo nga pala, hindi pwede magwala sa bahay. Mabubuko pa ni Mama love life ko.

San ako pupunta? Sinugaling ko talaga. Hindi pwede kina Cloud. Palusot lang yun.

“Nikki? Where are we going?”

“Shut up Aljay.”

Aist. Bahala na nga. OMG. I know! Dun na lang.

“Kaninong bahay to?”

“Samin. Dati.”

“Oh. Bakit dito mo ako dinala?”

“Alangan namang dun ako magalit sa bahay. Edi narinig ni Mama.”

“Bakit ka naman magagalit?”

“Eh kasi ginawa mo akong panakipbutas kay Trish!”

“I never said you were.”

“You never said I wasn’t”

“Hindi kita kita ginawang panakipbutas at hinding hindi ko gagawin yun!”

“How could you be so sure?!”

“How could I not be when… I love you”

*pakk*

“How could you ffed me with your stupid lie again?”

I turned my back on him and ran away. Again, I cried as I ran home.

Aljay’s POV

That’s it. For the first time in my life, Nikki had slapped me. The girl whom I wished to be there for, is gone. Galit siya.

“How could you ffed me with your stupid lie again?”

When had I lie to you? I don’t understand. Wala akong matandaan na nagsinungaling ako sa’yo.

*1 message received*
Sender: Vhin Lardizabal
:Aljay, bc k b? bka pwedeng dmaan aq s inu. usap tau:

REPLY:
Recipient: Vhin Lardizabal
:cge. Pauwi n rn ako. Kta nlng tau:

Pag-uwi ko, nakita ko agad si Arvhin. Wala yung parents ko kaya kaming dalawa lang sa bahay.

“Pasok na. Halika. ”

Kumuha ako ng dalawang beer. Isa para sakin, isa para kay Vhin.

“Aljay, alam mong hindi ako umiinom unless it’s a special occasion. As an athlete, alam mo yan.”

Kinuha ko yung dalawang beer, pinalitan ko na lang Cali.

“Ok na ‘to?”

“Fine. Sige na nga.”

“What did you want to talk about?”

“Nikki.”

“Why? Anong meron kay Nikki?”

“It’s not true.”

“What isn’t true?”

“Hindi kami. It was a set-up.”

WTF.

“Bakit kailangan ninyong gawin yun? Why is there a need to set me up?”

“Because you were numb?”

“Numb? Me?”

“Oo. Sobra.”

“Hindi ako manhid. This is a joke, isn’t it?”

“Believe what you want to believe but I just said what I know is true.”

“Hindi ko alam kung anong saabihin ko.”

“Sige na, pag-isipan mo. Alis na ako. May pasok pa bukas.”

Arvhin’s POV

Ayan. Nagpakamartyr na naman ako. Sinabi ko na kay Aljay ang totoo. Tanggapin niya nga kaya yun? Bahala siya.

*1 message sent*
Recipient: Aljay Lim
:before I 4get, don’t drink the beer.
Alam kong nlili2 k kya cgrado aq, iinom k
Don’t even thnk of doing it:

Ano nang gagawin mo Aljay?

—
Nikki’s POV

Aljay had been avoiding our group. Hindi ko alam anong nangyari pero ok na rin siguro yun. At least I wouldn’t scramble for words to say when I see him.

After a few days, nagkaroon ng announcement that next week was the scheduled Free Day. Free day is a day wherein students are asked to stay in school pero not to study, but to party. However, it is limited to per class lang. In a way, it aims to strengthen the bond of the class, know each other well. Tsaka para rin makapag-relax. Of course, kasama ng bawat klase maki-party ang class adviser nila.

Ayun na nga, dumating na yung araw na yun. Our class settled with a dance na may halong children’s party concept. I guess it’s just fun to goof around.

Naglaro kami ng longest line. Boys versus girls. Siyempre, namayagpag ang girl power. Nag-bring me din kami. Tapos trip to Jerusalem. Basta mga pang-bata. Ka-ek-ekan nga naman di ba? Pero masaya naman. Until finally, Paper dance was called, the twist is, dapat boy-girl. At pag niyaya ka, bawal umayaw.

I wasn’t really planning to join, pero dahil may nagyaya sakin, napasali ako nang wala sa oras at wala sa plano.

Somebody extended his hand to me. Hindi ko nga sure ibig sabihin nun eh.

“Sasali tayo sa paper dance?”

He  nodded.

“Sure ka, Vhin? Baka mabigatan ka sakin?”

“Oo, Kaya kita. Hindi kita ilalaglag, promise.”

“Ok sige. Sabi mo eh.”

So I stood up. Ewan ko kung bakit pero parang gulat na gulat yung mga kaklase ko nung tumayo ako. Tapos, naghiyawan sila. Tuksuhan. I know I blushed but I don’t want to let the people see that it affected me. Mamaya pag nag-react pa ako sabihin nila defensive ako or guilty.

Si Aljay nagyaya din ng ka-partner after he’d seen Vhin and me. I couldn’t remember who and I didn’t really mind at all. Bahala siya.

Ayun, nagsimula na yung game. I can feel like everybody’s watching me. Grabe. Yung adviser pa naming, lagi kaming pinpicturan. Why? Nga pala, I forgot to mention, our adiser handles the badminton varsity. Eh di ba nga badminton player si Vhin?

Anyway, nung una since malaki pa yung paper, no problem. Pero nung tumagal na, siyempre, lumiliit na.

1/2 of the newspaper: magkahawak lang kami ng kamay habang nasa loob ng newspaper. No worries, nagkakahawak naman kami ng kamay lagi eh.

1/4 of the newspaper: magkayakap na kami habang naktapak yung isa kong paa sa paa niya. Gaaa. I remember, nakalimutan ko maglagay ng deodorant! Dyahe! Dito nagsimula sumilip yung mga ibang classes sa room naming. Anga lakas ba naman ng hiyawan eh!

1/8 of the newspaper: kinarga na niya ako. As in parang yung sa newly-weds na pinapakita sa t.v. Yes! I’m not kidding. Nagulat ako kasi hindi naman ‘to yung position na pinaguusapan naming gawin eh kaso dahil hindi effective yung plan namin, bigla niya akong kinarga. Grabe. Eto, ang daming nag-picture. Dito rin, natanggal si Aljay at yung partner niya.

1/16 of the newspaper: isang paa na lang ni Vhin yung nasa paper. Super kinakabahan ako. Wala kaming maisip kung panung paraan gagawin namin. Tapos sabi na lang niya, sakay daw ako sa likod niya. Nung una ayaw ko. Duh. Isang paa na lang yung kasya dun sa paper, maya pag binaban niya ako, malaglag ako. I told him to quit, but he doesn’t like. Binuhat pa rin niya ako. I feel like a character sa Koreanovelas and Taiwanese romance movies. Kasi kapag nagbuhat ang boy ng girl, laging sa likod. Wala lang. Yun yung feeling ko eh. Bakit ba? Haha

At last, after that, kami na yung nanalo. Pawis na pawis kami ni Vhin. Grabe. Pero in fairness, Natuwa ako.

I fixed myself, and so did Vhin. Pagkatapos nun, nag-picture kaming dalawa ni Vhin as “Grand Class Pair.” O di ba, may title kaming dalawa..? hehe…

When I sat down, kinausap ako nina Jae at Cloud.

“Lakas ng hiyawan ah. May fans na kayo agad ni Vhin.”

“Adik ka talaga, Cloud. Bruha ka.”

“Hindi nga Nikz. I agree with Cloud. Panu ba naman hindi maghihiyawan, grabe, hindi mo na binitawan yung kamay ni Vhin eh. Pagkayaya niya sayo, hawak mo yung kamay niya. Nung sumasayaw kayo, hawak mo kamay niya. Hanggang magpapicture magkahawak kayo ng kamay. Buti naman kapag binubuhat ka niya, binitawan mo. Super para na kayong mag-on. Kung kami ni Lem yun, hindi ko kayang gawin yun.”

“Waah. Don’t be like that Jae. Close lang kami kaya wala na samin yun. Comfortable na kami sa isa’t isa.”

“Maybe you’re a little too close to each other. A bit too comfortable.”

“Oh gosh. Ganun ba yun?”

“You should’ve seen Aljay’s expression.”

Waah… Stop na Cloud. Wag mo na gatungan!

“Hindi na niya inalis yung tingin niya sa’yo. Kahit nung may ka-partner siyang iba, sa’yo pa rin siya nakatingin.”

Aww.

The Free day ended and as usual, kapag may nakita, may chismis. Ewan ko ba, eh ang alam naman ng mga taga-Campus na “kami” ni Vhin, bakit pa kailangan ng chismis di ba?

By the end of the day rin, I checked the different multiply and friendster accounts of those whom I know na may camera. Buti naman at nahiya yung iba, hindi pinost yung pictures namin ni Vhin. Pero may iba na sadyang makapal yung mukha, super post. So B-a-a-a-d.

Anyway, enough of that. Ano bang mapapala nila sa pagpopost?

Haist. Malapit na mag-end ang school year. After 3 months, iwanan na. As I look back, na-realize ko kung dami rin kadami yung mga pangyayari na gumulo sa buhay ko. May kalokohan pero merong seryoso.

“Haayyy…”

“Miss Saldivar, are you day dreaming again?”

“No Sir. I’m reflecting.”

“Fine. Then reflect after you answer the problem on the board.”

“Ohmigod.”

Patay kang bata ka. Geometry na may halong algebra yung problem sa board. Tapos out of no where, biglang dumaan si Aljay sa harap ko, suddenly holding my hand.

“What are—“

Before I could finish my sentence, nagsalita siya agad, intentionally cutting me off. He whispered,

“Relax ka lang. Ayan na yung sagot sa problem. Wag mo kasi akong iniisip masyado. Focus.”

“Kapal mo noh.”

Pagkalagpas niya sakin, he casually threw a paper in the trash bin. So ayun pala yun. Kunwari magtatapon siya ng paper sa trash bin. Yun pala, dadaan siya para bigyan ako ng paper na may sagot ng problem sa board. That way he could pass in front of me without being scolded by the teacher. Ayos din tong lalaking to eh.

“Miss Saldivar. I’m waiting for your answer.”

“Ai. Yes Sir.”

When I wrote on the board, madali na lang sakin kasi may copy naman ako ng solution, courtesy of Aljay. Buti na lang binigay niya sakin to. If not, I honestly cannot answer anything.

“Very good. The answer is correct. Sige na, mag-reflect ka na diyan.”

Siyempre tama yun, si Aljay nagsagot eh. Duh. Math Wizard.

After several minutes, nag-ring na yung bell. Break time. Thank God.

I looked for you know who, para magthank you pero hindi ko siya makita. Oh well, I’ll probably just write to him.

I played my iPod and decided that I want to go to the library hall. Hindi ko trip kumain kaya sa library na lang muna ako tatambay.

Papunta na sana ako dun eh, kaso may grupo ng freshmen na nagbigay sakin ng note.

“Ate, pakibasa naman po.”

“Ano to?”

“Hindi po namin alam eh. Basta basahin niyo na lang daw po sabi ng nagpapabigay.”

“Ah okay. Salamat.”

Now Playing on my iPod: Almost Paradise

I thought that dreams belonged to other men
‘Cause each time I got close, they’d fall apart again
I thought my heart would beat in secrecy
I faced the nights alone, oh how could I have known?
That all my life I only needed you

Woah, almost paradise
We’re knocking on heaven’s door
Almost paradise
How could we ask for more?
I swear that I could see forever in your eyes,
Paradise

It seems that perfect love’s so hard to find
I’d almost given up, you must have read my mind
And all these dreams I save for a rainy day
They’re finally coming true, I’ll share them all with you
‘Cause now we hold the future in our hands

woah, almost paradise
We’re knocking on heaven’s door
Almost paradise
How could we ask for more?
I swear that I could see forever in your eyes,
Paradise

And in your arms salvation’s not so far away
It’s getting closer, closer every day

Almost paradise
We’re knocking on heaven’s door
Almost paradise
How could we ask for more?
I swear that I could see forever in your eyes,
Paradise Paradise Paradise

When I opened the note, may nakasulat.
“Biology Lab.”

Ano kaya yun? Biology Lab? Huh?

Bio. Bio. Bio. Hayzzz. Bahala na. Pupunta na lang ako sa Biology Lab. Baka may madiscover ako dun.

Pagkapunta ko sa Biology Lab. May note.

Nikz,
Alam na namin ni Jae na nagkukunwari lang kayo ni Vhin. Cloud told us before the Free day. I admire the three of you for being able to cope up with that kind of plan. However, sa huli, hindi to tulad ng dissection na pwedeng patulugin yung palaka para hindi niya maramdaman yung sakit. May masasaktan talaga pero may dahilan ka kaya mo gagawin yun. Parte yan ng buhay.
\m/ Lem \m/
**Gymnasium**

I guess this means I need to go to the gymnasium.

I walked to the schhol gym thinking so much of what had happened. Alam nap ala nila. Kaya pala ganun yung mga sinabi ni Cloud at Jae, para kaming mag-on. Set up ba to ng barkada?

May note ulit.

Nicole, Nikki, Nikz…
Alam kong gusto ka niya, at gusto ka rin ng isa pa, ang tanong: sinong gusto mo sa kanila? Pag-isipan mo mabuti. Kasi hindi pwedeng lagi ka lang shoot ng shoot. Dapat may timing. Dapat tinatantiya mo. Wag padalos dalos.
T_T   
Nga pla, paxencia na. Dito sa Gym na to, tinamaan kita ng bola sa mukha. Hehe
Dale
**Classroom**

Sa Classroom na. Pamatay na tanong. Sino nga bang gusto ko sa kanilang dalawa? Alam ko naman yung sagot eh. Hindi ko lang siguro kayang aminin sa sarili ko kasi ayaw kong may masaktan.

May note na naman. I guess bawat stop may note talaga.

Nikz,
Pareho sila importante sa’yo di ba? Mahirap talaga pero we know na ikaw lang ang makakasagot sa tanong na yan. Choose one or you might end up losing both. It wouldn’t be selfish to choose either. Dito sa desisyon mo, hindi na puro talino. You wouldn’t be using the academics that you had learned in the four corners of this classroom. Dito, pati puso mo, gagamitin mo. Follow both your head and heart. Basta, gawin mo ang tama. Go girl. Kaya mo yan
+..Sisz Jae..+
**Canteen**

Choose one or lose both. Choose or lose. Does it really have to be this way? Wouldn’t I be cruel if I’d be rejecting one of them. A female dilemma.

Eto sa canteen, sa table namin may note. So ganun nga, every stop may note.

Nikki,
If not for me, things wouldn’t be like this. I’ll assume you know my purpose for setting you up with a plan; for twisting love life’s plot. Pero kahit na ganun, sa huli hindi naman ako yung magdedecide. Na sa iyo pa rin yun. Sana maisip mo na sa huli, ano man ang mangyari, dito sa table na ‘to, laging buo ang barkada, anuman yung piliin mo. Punta na sa sunod na stop, bruha.
*\*|CloUd|*/*
**Likod ng Gym**

Sa Library na. Barkada. Si Lem, si Dale, si Jae ant Cloud. Dalawa na lang, si Arvhin at si Aljay. Sino yung may sunod na note sa likod ng Gym?

Now Playing on my iPod: Sober

And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me…

Nikz,
I don’t know if you remember pero dito sa likod ng Gym, dito tayo unang nagplano kung pano tayo lulusot sa mga tanong na haharapin natin bilang kunwaring “mag-on.” You didn’t notice but I actually like you. I know you didn’t like me the way you like Aljay that’s why I took Cloud’s plan seriously. There were times when I wished you were mine but I didn’t want that to happen because I know you’ll be happier with the one you really like. So now, I’m letting you go. Thank you for the times we’ve spent together. Hopefully, we wouldn’t lose the friendship that we had.I would also like to tell you na I’ll be going abroad forcollege. May na-open na opportunity dahil sa pagiging Badminton player ko. Sana, sa remaining days ko dito sa Pilipinas, maayos natin lahat.
I love you… friend
~Arvhin~

“Vhin…”

As I said his name, unti unting pumatak yung luha ko. Hindi ko alam pano niya nakayang itago yung nararamdaman niya. Ang laking opportunity na sana yung pagkukunwaring “kami” para agawin niya ako sa bestfriend niya, pero hindi niya ginawa. Nevertheless, I know how hard it is to pretend. Nangyari din sakin noon yun kay Jaelyn at Aljay.

“I love you too… friend. Hayzz… eto lang ba yun? Kaya nila to ginawa para sa huli malaman kong aalis si Vhin? ”

I can’t help but notice, may isa pa palang note.

**Auditorium**

Naglakad ako… nakayuko. Hindi ko alam kung anung mangyayari. Anung kahahantungan ng lahat.

When I went to the auditorium, I used the front door. May note na nakalagay. Nakasulat na gamitin ko daw yung door papuntang backstage. And so I did.

Pagbukas ko ng pinto sa backstage, may rose petals sa floor. Sinundan ko yun… nung nawala yung rose petals, may bouquet just before entering the stage. I looked at it and saw my name. Kinuha ko yun and I went on going to the stage.

There, Aljay played the guitar and sang.

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
Im holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what Im feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I dont know, whoa
Today Im on my own
I cant move a muscle and I cant pick up the phone, I dont know

And now I’m itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

After that, he stood up and held my hand.

“I’m sorry that I’ve been so numb. I want you to know I’ll be here. Share with me you joy, and even your pain.”

With that, I hugged him.

“Didn’t I say before that I’ll save the best for last?”
The only thing I can think of was now, nagawa na niya yung promise niya. He did save his last hug for the best. He did gave his best for the last. That was, for me.

My feelings… so complicated yet so true; unique but pure. This is truly… a deviant love.